Because We Are Detectives
by Aeyra
Summary: With Ran's decision to leave him, Shinichi is absolutely heartbroken. He tries to commit suicide and fails. Now with both Ai and Heiji as contenders, who can heal both Shinichi and his broken heart?
1. Farewell

*If you're here, it must mean you are at least mildly interested in the HeiShin pairing, _right? (_or at least ShinShi) Well, if you aren't, hopefully I'll be able to change your mind, but please be courteous and don't flame the couple, only flame my writing if you actually think my writing itself is terrible. This first part here doesn't actually involve HeiShin, in fact, there's no Heiji (he's only mentioned once while they're talking, but it's not even HeiShin related.) and the ConAis on DCW seemed to enjoy reading it because I (the ever hyper ShinRan) actually broke up Shinichi and Ran. *sigh* They were quite shocked. Well anyways, please read this, review, and the standard things, and I hope you enjoy my story! Forgive me for the shortness, I originally planned a one-shot, but changed my mind once I wrote it too long for a one-shot. Thank you!*

Disclaimer: I do not own Detective Conan. Isn't that obvious? If I owned it, this would be the actual storyline! (JK, it'd follow MSK...)

"Ran, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to leave you for so long. I didn't mean to hurt you so much. Just please forgive me." I am all but on my knees begging as I stare down into Ran's fiery blue eyes, filled with anger and confusion. None of the love I was used to seeing is showing, replaced with something that looks almost like hatred. I watch her part her soft, beautiful lips, waiting endless moments before the words come spilling out.

"I waited for you for years, Shinichi! Years! You come back to after all this time and tell me you love me! Tell me you were masquerading as my little brother?" Her outburst is like the breaking of a dam, unbelievably powerful and unstoppable. A raging bull, one that is easily capable of killing the matador. Every bit of rage, despair, loneliness being displayed at once, letting all of her emotions, anger and sorrow, fly out. "How dare you?"

"I had no choice! I wanted to protect you! I swear!" My voice sounds broken, cracking as I plead for forgiveness. I knew hiding the truth would have consequences, but I didn't imagine they would be this terrible, this heartwrenchingly horrible. This wasn't how I'd envisioned it; I'd imagined something perfect, a dream, where we, Ran and I, would reveal our truest feelings and decide our future.

_Why, why? What have I done to deserve this?_ I think, holding back tears. Everything- everything was for her. _Why is everything going so… so wrong...?_

"Protect me? You've told me your story, and I see no part of it that would have put either of us in danger. You told Professor Agasa, you told Ai-chan, you told Hattori-kun and- and even Eisuke-kun. And yet you couldn't even tell me, the one who obviously missed you most? Did you not trust me, your best friend? I've known you since we were tiny toddlers and yet you thought I'd blabbering out your secret in an instant? When was I that type of person? Tell me, Shinichi! Out with it!" Her scream seems to be piercing my heart, splitting in it in two. Our conversation wasn't supposed to turn out like this. Wasn't supposed to be a catastrophe.

"The only one I told on my own free will was Professor Agasa!" The half-truth slides like butter through my teeth, desperate, but coming out easily. Anything to keep her here, make her listen. Stay here. Stay with me. "The rest of them figured it out and confronted me! I had no choice but to-"

"And how many times did I do the exact thing just to have you wiggle out of it? How many times did I attack you and try to force you to admit you were Shinichi? Did my attempts not count?"

I have nothing to counter her, no shield for the bullets she fires like a machine gun from her sharp tongue, the hard, cold truth of it. I can only stand, do my best to endure her rant, try to survive while it feels like I'm being ripped apart, piece by piece.

She could take me down right now with her karate, knock me unconscious. I'd welcome it to this living hell, rejoice even. However, she seems to sense the full impact of her words, and I take each one of them like a punch, a kick. It hurts, it hurts so much. I deserve every blow.

Ran is crying now, shaking from the tears that are running down her face, but she is still obviously infuriated. I want to lean forward, wipe away the hot moisture from her cheeks, something I could do so easily as Conan. I know she won't let me, and allow her to continue. I earned it. I did this to her.

"You even disappeared as Conan, and I was waiting six months with no word from either of you. I had no idea if you were dead, kidnapped, or lost or anything! Can you even imagine how that felt? My precious little brother, my best friend, both gone without even a good-bye? You didn't call, you never came back. I had the police looking all over for you, skipped school, wasted countless weeks- months."

"I'm sorry. Just please, Ran. Give me one more chance. Just one. I promise I'll make it up to you. Please." I'm truly on my knees now, looking up into her icy blue eyes, waiting for the killing blow. One more will do.

"One more chance? You promise? Don't make me laugh." She makes a sound halfway between laughter and croaking. "You promised that you'd come back to me, promised you wouldn't leave. Every time I trusted you, but I only ended up getting my heart broken. I trusted you with my life, and that's why I so willingly handed my love over to you. You smashed my heart to pieces. How can you even dare try to promise me anything? Tell me dammit!"

The world spins around me, the dull colors of my room, dusty from my absence, swirl into undefinable patterns as I realize that I can't win this fight. I lose. "You can't trust me. The only reason I can give is that I love you, Ran. More than anyone else. Please believe me."

I am merely a wisp, unable to withstand her attacks, only a shadow of the man I was before this. My whispered words hang on the heavy air, their dead weight lingering until Ran breaks the silence, eyes shining with regret.

"Shinichi, you sweet bastard..." she murmurs, sniffling as she wipes away tears."I did love you, but I just can't bring myself to feel the same way I did before. I would have waited forever; all you had to do was tell me the truth. Trust me, I tried to find those feelings, but what you've done to me is unforgivable- they've disappeared. We can try to be friends, but there's no way we can be lovers like you want us to. There's no us. Not anymore." She shakes her head slowly, tears rolling like shining diamonds down her cheeks, apologetic and yet firm.

I nod slowly, swallowing the hard lump in my throat as I feel hot tears trying to break through my mask. _I can't cry in front of her, I can't cry now… _"I understand." I feel as if I've uttered my death sentence.

"Bye then, Shinichi." And with that, Ran is gone. Her soft, dark caramel hair leaving the room last, glimmering in the pale morning light that streams through the windows, her quiet footsteps resonating throughout the empty house before I hear a door slam shut. She's really gone.

I curl up into a ball and start crying. This wasn't part of the plan. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. I was supposed to be the prince, her savior, and we were supposed to have our happily ever after. This isn't fair, that's not how my story was supposed to end.

I let myself collapse onto the soft carpet, too tired to pull myself up into the comforting bed, the hard floor what I lay on instead of a pillow. My limbs feel sore, body burning with sorrow and loss. And that's how I fall asleep.

*And cut! That's it for Part 1! I hope all of you will join me for Part 2 and all other parts beyond that, and don't forget to leave me a review. I guess that's it for now!*


	2. Conversation

*Next chapter! This is where I start revealing more of the starting plot... Don't expect updates as quick as this though. It's been finished for a while, and it's been up on DCW for almost a week. Well, anyways, same old deal, and, I hope you'll take the time to review at the end!*

Review Replies

Meghan44: Thanks, but, ShinRan still is my fav pairing... This was just the little HeiShin part of me taking control. Glad you liked it!

LyndsiMcKay: It's not the other reviewers you have to be scared of... It's me. I SUPPORT SHINRAN FOREVER! Just letting you know. There will be tons of HeiShin before you know it! I tried not to hold back so it's kind of, harsh, but nothing mature.

Fangirl2014: Why thank you! *smiles* I hope you'll like this next chapter and review again.

Firepaw: Fixed. I would never have _Shinichi_ changing his mind- in my heart, he's still in love with Ran and will always be. (see above) Um, it starts a couple of years after the actual timeline, just to clear it up. I give you their ages either this chapter or the next... I forget which.

Pyre: *sighs* And you were the one who volunteered... Did you find anything?

PandaKitty: That's why I wrote it. There's not enough good fanfics for this awesome couple...

Heiji's POV

"How's he holdin' up, Doc?" I ask into the speaker, anxiously waiting for his reply even though it is only a matter of seconds before he answers. I had only heard about Kudo's situation about a few days ago from an email sent by the little girl, Haibara. Apparently she didn't feel it was important to tell me my _best friend_ was dumped by his girlfriend and was suffering from depression until nearly a month into his situation. Nope. Not important at all.

"Not too well. I've been having Ai look after him, but he's vapid, and-" He lowers his voice as if he's afraid somebody will overhear. "He tried to commit suicide this morning."

"WHA-?" I blurt out, shocked. Kudo, the guy who was all for living, Kudo, the teenager who would even save murderers from death, tried to kill himself? I knew his situation with neechan was bad, but for him to be this desperate...

"Ai-chan found him with a small bottle of pain killers in his hand this morning. And the thing was almost half empty." Half-empty. One small bottle of drugs capable of death. How could he do such a thing?

"What's his condition?" If he seriously downed that many pills, then the guy is probably is seriously sick at best. My heart beats like a hummingbird's wings as I almost make out the unsure breaths of the Professor. _Kudo better not be dying_, I think. _If he dies I'll never forgive him..._

"We managed to get him to puke most of it up. We wanted to bring him to a hospital, but he said he refused to go and threatened to attempt suicide again if we made him go. He said that even if he was treated, once he got back, he would kill himself. We're not really sure what to do. At the moment, Ai-kun is taking care of him and she says he's doing pretty well. But she's not a psychologist. She can't help him mentally- and that's where he needs healing." So he's not dying. I let out a huge sigh of relief. If Kudo died, I'd bring him back to life and kill him again for being so stupid. I'd kill him for taking himself away from me.

Wait, what did I just think? That sounded more than just a little awkward. It's because I'm his best friend. _I'd miss him, that's all,_ I try to reassure myself, but I truly think it goes farther than that.

"Ca-can I talk to him?" I plead, wanting to hear Kudo's voice on the other end instead of this old man who sounds a whole lot less concerned than he should be, wanting to hear that strong, powerful detective that I knew so well.

"I'm not so sure about that right now, Hattori-kun," answers the Professor, sounding extremely nervous and high-strung. "He seems extremely unwell and Ai-kun says he should try to rest. Maybe you could talk to him later."

_How long is later?_ I wonder, extremely annoyed that he won't let me speak to Shinichi for just a little bit. I want to talk to him now. A best friend can't just sit and act cool when his friend just tried to commit friggin' suicide!

"No, I want to talk to Hattori." Kudo's ragged, croaking voice breaks in, sounding depressed and lifeless. Empty. "Hand me the phone, Professor Agasa."

"But Shinichi-kun," he protests, obviously surprised. "You're hardly in a condition to walk, let alone have a conversation with anyone."

"Let him." That's the little Haibara girl, her cold, chilling voice cracking the worried atmosphere. "His problems are psychological. Perhaps letting him do something he wants, besides dying, would be good for him."

With a muffled handing over of the phone, Kudo greets me with an emotionless, "Hello, Hattori."  
>I don't know why, but it hurts so much to hear him say my name so emptily. Before, whenever he greeted me he'd be annoyed, happy, angry- just something behind that one word. "Hattori."<p>

"Hey Kudo," I say, trying to sound as cheerful as possible. I can't even fool myself with the obviously faked enthusiasm. "I've heard things have been- I've heard they've been pretty bad over there."

"Pretty bad?" He gives a cold, hard, sardonic laugh. "That's quite an understatement. I finally turn back after beating the Black Organization and the girl I've loved my entire life tells me that she doesn't want me anymore. After all those days where the only thing I could look forward to was seeing her, touching her, feeling wanted even if her love was for Conan, she gives up on me. But I know it's not her fault. I have no idea what to do anymore." I hear a sob from the other end, and I wish I could reach out and comfort him.

I wish I could lay my hand on his shoulder, stare directly into his bold blue eyes, and give him the consolation that he needs. I imagine gently wiping away his tears, my face only inches away from his, and- _Stop Heiji! What the hell are ya' doin'?_ I think to myself. I almost imagined- _oh my god_- I almost imagined kissing my best friend right there. What am I? Gay?

Thinking it over, the answer is probably yes. Urgh, not a good sign. "Kudo, I kind of know how you feel. I'm not sure if you were listening when I told you a few days ago since you were kind of –you know- but-"

"You and Kazuha aren't together anymore, right?" He says it so bluntly. Like he doesn't care that her name drives a knife through my heart. Of course, I was the one who brought it up, so if it keeps him from worrying about neechan….

"Yeah," I start, thinking about that day barely a week ago. "It's not like I confessed or anything. One day, I went to school and saw Kazuha making out with a guy I knew. They were pressed so closely together, and they were so thoroughly engrossed in each other that they didn't even hear me protest." I pause as I visualize Kazuha's bright green eyes turn to me in shock, in regret, but most of all, in apology. "She said she had started dating him without telling me."

"_Heiji, why are you so angry?" she asked, pulling me aside after my disastrous outburst. "He's only my boyfriend! Calm down!"_

"_That's exactly the problem!" I yell, adrenaline pumping through my veins, anger pulsing through my brain, beating like a drum. "Don't you get it? I- I like you Kazuha!" I feel my face flush red, and then see her dawn with realization._

"_Hei-Heiji, I'm so sorry. I didn't know, but-" Her voice lowers to a mere whisper as she stares worriedly over her shoulder to her-urgh!- boyfriend. "I don't like you anymore. I used to, but, you never seemed to return my feelings, so I started dating Akira-kun, and I love him." The earnest look in her eyes betrayed the truth in her words._

"_I- I don't approve," I say, looking down at my feet. "I don't want you with him."_

"_Heiji, it's too late for that. I gave you a chance, a lot of chances, but you never took them. If you don't approve, it doesn't affect my relationship with Akira-kun. We can still be friends, but not the way you want."_

_I silently nod, holding back tears of my own, hoping she won't notice. She walks back to Akira's side, lovingly holding onto his arm, her emerald orbs filled with warmth that I hadn't seen for a long time. They stroll off together, leaving me behind. It's at that moment that I know Kazuha won't follow me. She will never follow me ever again. The very thought sends me reeling._

"That's tough," replies Kudo, but he doesn't really sound sympathetic at all. It stings, but I know he's been through worse. He wants me to pity him. He wants me to debase myself so I'm lower than he is, I can sense it, can feel it. The thought makes me cringe.

"Kudo, why did you try to kill yourself this morning?" I get straight to the point so he can't hold it off any longer. His problem has to go farther than losing neechan. He's not the kind of guy who would suicide just because his girl dumped him. Or is he?

"I can't stand this anymore, Hattori. For the past few years, all I could look forward to was her promise to be there for me once I returned. It's what kept me going Hattori. Ran moved to the US for college, and it doesn't seem like she's coming back anytime soon. I'm lonely- Haibara and the Professor just aren't enough company. They don't understand." He seems to hesitate, let his confession linger on the heavy air, drawing out the moment where I hear him utter, "Hattori? Can you come to Tokyo? I want to see you."

For some reason, the words cause me to blush, and I can feel the crimson spreading across my face. Kudo wants me. He wants to see me. And I can see him again.

"M-me?" I stutter out, my voice climbing to an unusually high pitch. "W-why?"

"You don't want to? Hattori, you sound embarassed. Why? All I want is the company of my best friend. You're going through the same thing right now too, aren't you?" His tone has

transformed to a light and teasing one. My heart flutters wildly at the sound. _**Ba-dump! Ba-dump!**_ _What the heck is wrong with me?_

"I most definitely want to come! I'll come right now! Just wait a couple of hours, Kudo. I'll be right there!" I slam down the phone, and start preparing for my journey to Tokyo.

*I would appreciate it so much if you reviewed! Just even a two-worder like good job is enough! I just want to know you like it, that's all. (it's what an author lives for) (where's the strikethrough button when you need it?)


	3. Unforgivable

*Yay! Part 3! (which has been finished for the longest time...) Okay, same old, same old, but I went to my state science olympiad competition, and came out with a second place medal in Optics! *cheers* I got a medal in states! Out of over *calculates* at least 70 other people for that event! *happy dance* Anyways, here's Part 3, and I hope you enjoy reading it! Don't forget to send me a review at the end. *winks* *

Shinichi's POV

I have no idea exactly what drove me to invite Hattori over to Tokyo, but I did, despite slight protests from Haibara and Professor Agasa.

"Why did you ask him to come?" asks Haibara, her face a mixture of curiosity and what looks like envy.

Soon after Ran had turned me away, Haibara confessed her love to me, saying that she hadn't wanted to do it when Ran and I were still together. She hadn't taken the APTX, and said she would if I was willing to accept her feelings. I explained as gently as I could that Ran was the only girl I would ever be able to love, and she backed off, staying Haibara Ai. But her thoughts still appear in her actions.

Sheesh, does she think I'm inviting Hattori over for a date or something? I just want to talk to him in person, because a phone can only bring me his essence. I need his cheerful enthusiasm right now- just hearing his voice, even laced with sorrow, had been enough to make me happier.

"Kazuha dumped Hattori. Ran dumped me. I think it'll be easier for us to relate and talk than you and me." That probably wasn't the smartest thing to say seeing as her face lights up with anger, even though it doesn't show in her voice.

"Relate and talk? What state do you think you're in? You think I haven't realized you've been overdosing on drugs for the past few weeks? This morning was just you getting desperate! Go look at yourself in a mirror, Kudo-kun! You look like you're dead!" she says, her voice cold and monotone even though her words pierce me like barbed arrows.

I'm currently lying on Ai's bed, which was moved so it sits in the downstairs lab, out of sight and in easy reach of different medicines. I try to get up and prove that I'm perfectly capable of motion when I lurch forward, feeling a fiery burn in my throat. Hacking and panting, I gesture to Haibara, and she immediately understands, rolling her eyes.

Haibara icily hands me a bag, and I puke what's left of my stomach into it, the acrid scent burning my nostrils.

"See what I mean?" Her eyes seem worried and yet gloating, happy that she won this mini battle.

"It's nothing," I rasp out, my throat feeling as if it is on fire, tongue unable to stand the disgusting taste of Advil mixed with last night's dinner. "Talking to Hattori'll be no problem."

Her eyes soften, glow with a peculiar blue light. "Kudo-kun, why do you want to see him so badly? You won't talk to any of your other friends, your parents and most of the time you ignore me and Professor Agasa. Why was it the moment you heard the Professor answer the phone and say 'Ah, Hattori-kun' that you regained some of your energy? What is he that the rest of us aren't?" Her all-knowing eyes seem to pierce through me, penetrating my thoughts.

"He's just my best friend. Is it weird that I want to see him? Is it Haibara?" I hand off the reeking bag of vomit to the Professor, who fast-walks to the trash can, not wanting to be caught in the crossfire. Can't blame him- whether or not you're in love with your best friend (who is the same gender as you) is not a subject most people would wish to talk about.

_Wait, when did either of us mention love?_ I think, realizing that that particular thought was all me. It unravels itself, revealing more of its wishes, and I am actually tempted by them.

A sweet, sweet vision of his strong dark-skinned arms wrapped around me, warm and gentle. His chocolate hair scraping my forehead as he leans down, his eyes shining with passion, lips parted. I want this kiss- I'll do anything to stop it. I'm a guy! How can I envision myself kissing Hattori?

But I'm not powerful enough to push him away, and he presses closer, allowing his warm, cinnamon-scented breath to settle on my face, letting me savor the scent. Without further hesitation he hungrily plunges his tongue into my mouth, pushing me down in the process. I answer him with a newfound hunger of my own, and both of us in this torrid sharing of passion.

I don't want to stop. I want him so badly. I'm afraid he'll leave me if I don't give all I've got for even a second. He's got me pinned down, hands gripped tightly on my shoulders, his body draped over mine, trapping me. I don't mind. He belongs on top.

_Shit, shit, shit!_ I scream silently, breaking into a cold sweat of fear and disgust. _How could I possibly want that? I-I'm in love with Ran, I'll never be in love with anyone else. Even though she abandoned me. Even if she's never coming back. And out of all people... Damn Shinichi, you've really messed up big time. No, you're messed up big time._

"Kudo-kun, it's not weird that you want to see Hattori-kun, but it definitely is weird that you just zoned off and seemed to be having a happy daydream. As far as I remember, you don't daydream. Especially not whispering 'Hattori'." Her eyes are narrowed in suspicion and envy, but her expression shows concern. "Kudo-kun, your fiasco with Ran has affected you way more than you think."

"How can it affect me more than I think?" I laugh, sounding more than somewhat insane. It's partially fueled by sickness, somewhat fueled by true craziness. "Here I am, puking up my guts after a suicide attempt- which unfortunately failed- and broken after she left. Shattered, destroyed, use whatever adjective you like. I am perfectly aware of the extent of the damage thank you very much."

She frowns angrily as I say 'unfortunately failed' and starts ranting. "I don't know what you're thinking, Kudo-kun. There are so obviously people who would care if you died! She's not the person who was ever in your life! Your parents, your friends, Hattori, me. Even she would care. You know she's still friends with you- she's just sorting it out."

"Then she obviously doesn't know me anymore. The only text she sent was one telling me she started dating Hondou. Hondou! She didn't ask how I'm doing, if I'm still hurting! She doesn't love me. How can I help wanting to die, Haibara? How?"

"Forgive and forget. The only person I've ever loved was- and is- you. But, like her, you didn't return my feelings. You don't see me trying to down over a dozen painkillers with a beer, do you?" she inquires, reminding me of those vague, lost memories of this morning. Hmm… Don't really recall that part.

"Did I drink a beer?" I ask out loud, a little hazy on the exact details of this morning's events. "I can't remember- headache mixed with no sleep."

"It's not my fault you tried to die at three o'clock in the morning. Luckily, I heard the glass break when the beer dropped out of your grip. It's why you're not dead right now. Even if you don't appreciate it now, trust me, someday you will." Her tone is matter-of-fact and I see no point in fighting it. I hear the words behind it that she's definitely hinting, _"One day where you'll be in love with me."_

I snicker, knowing her fantasy is absolutely impossible with me. One, I'm still too infatuated to fall in love (or am I?), and two, if I have to fall in love with someone, I don't want it to be her.  
>Sure I owe her a lot. She gave me the APTX antidote, which in turn, gave me the courage to confess everything to Ran. She helped me take down the syndicate, even if she ended up getting cold feet once Gin and Vodka appeared. She's been at my side through thick and thin- my most trusted partner. She's still here, caring for me even though I give her nothing in return.<p>

But this isn't enough for her to repay me. You'd think after a couple years you can just forget someone close to you who ruined your life and forgive them, but how can I forgive? She's the reason I shrunk, the reason I got separated from Ran, the reason Ran gave up on me. She's why I'm lying here on her bed, wishing for everything to end. Why my heart and body are both shattered almost beyond repair. Could anyone forgive sins that great? You'd have to be perfect, and trust me, I'm not.

"Is there any beer left?" I ask teasingly, smiling. "I could use a drink."

"No way, Kudo-kun. You're lucky you're not suffering from a severe hangover right now. If you're thirsty, then ask for a glass of water or juice. No alcohol." She gives a loud 'harrumph' and crosses her arms as she waits for my response.

"What, not going to get it for me?" I say, leaning in closer to her just to try and make her blush. It's the only form of entertainment I have at my disposal at the moment- playing around with Haibara. Do I feel kind of bad for leading her on like this? Yeah. Do I give a shit? Hell no! Do I give a shit about anything? Nope, doesn't seem like it.

"O-only if you say 'Pretty Please'," she stutters, still sounding like her normal, cold self as the expected flush comes into her pale cheeks. How funny.

"Pretty please then." She quickly walks over to the edge of the lab where the sink is, and turns on the faucet. Grabbing a cup from the cabinet above, she fills it with water. The sound of the rushing liquid is comforting and it helps me sort out my fucked up emotions.

I sort them into three piles: my still-living love for Ran, my incessant want to tease Haibara (which is quite cruel), and why I had a dream of kissing Hattori.

I mean, my old self, the whole one, would immediately run away and puke from disgust. Okay, overexaggeration, but I would have been revolted. Currently, I'm savoring the idea, letting it take over my mind. If I don't want Haibara, doesn't that leave me with Hattori?

*So... What did you think? Enough starting HeiShin? Tell me in a review please! (after all, my beta's not much of a HeiShin. She started complaining about the fantasized kiss. *laughs* Oh Pyre... (Pyre=IdentityUnknown=tonsostuff) Oh, you guys should join /forum/ And don't forget that review! *puppy dog eyes*~Aeyra


	4. Dream

*Finally a long chapter! Sorry it took so long to update. My beta was kind of busy. ^-^ This chapter has a nice amount of HeiShin in it. I hope you enjoy it! (and leave a review please!)*

Heiji's POV

"Why can't this damn piece of tin move faster," I murmur angrily under my breath as the taxi cab seems to inch through the busy streets. "Idiotic thing."

I'm so glad I'm in college now- this way I don't have to deal with my parents every time I step out of the house. I probably should inform my mom and dad that I'm running off to Tokyo, but will I? Fuck, no! What's the point in calling if all they'll do is rant?

Sighing, I fidget as I look out the window. How can I possibly be calm and patient when Kudo wants to see me? Wants me to come over? My pants feel almost uncomfortably tight as I visualize his face, the pale, peach skin, his arrogant smirk, and those charming blue eyes. There's no point of fighting it anymore- I figured that out approximately ten minutes ago. I'm officially in love with Kudo. Otherwise known as "I'm a gay freak".

Hey, Kazuha dumped me and no girl has stood out enough to catch my eye. Who managed to ensnare me in their grasps, however unknowingly? That's right, Kudo.

We're so similar, him and I. Girlfriends who dumped us, snarky personalities, unbelievable intelligence (hey, it's not bragging if it's true.), and we're both detectives. It was how we first met. Because we are detectives.

That first time has left the greatest impression on me. It was when I met Kudo Shinichi, not Edogawa Conan, and witnessed his skills- equal, if not greater, to mine. It intrigued me to see such a brilliant guy who was the same as me. Sure I'd heard of him and came over to have a deduction match but that went way beyond my expectations.

His explanation was perfect. Heck, he was perfect. Flawless looks, and to me, a perfect attitude. He taught me things I could have never discovered on my own- that there's no higher or lower in solving crimes, that letting someone commit suicide after admitting they had murdered someone was murder in itself. That crime-solving isn't a game; that it's to bring peace to the friends and family of victims, to give them the truth they deserve. He taught me true friendship.

Don't get me wrong; Kazuha will always be a great friend. But, she was always a level or two behind me in everything. School, kendo, intelligence, there was almost nothing on which the playing field was even. Kudo on the other hand I can consider a rival in almost all those things: academics, brains, athletics, plus deductions. Is it a surprise that I'm crazy obsessed over him?

"Sir, we've arrived at the airport," calls the taxi driver who actually managed to get here about a half hour before my departure. That's barely enough time, but if I try hard enough, it should be a snap.

Tossing the fare at the driver plus a small tip out of courtesy, I grab my duffel bag and hop out. After pondering everything a bit more, I start thinking that I loved Kudo from the beginning.

How my heart would always start beating faster when he was around, how much more lightheaded and happier I would feel... I had always credited these emotions to the murder, or excitement from whatever we doing. Now I'm pretty sure it was all due to seeing Kudo, even trapped as a little kid. (that doesn't make me a pedophile as well, does it...?)

I did like Kazuha, liked her a lot, but comparing my love for her to my (cough, still trying to get completely used to my new-er, whatchamacallit- sexual orientation.) for Kudo, there's quite a difference. Something I can't believe I haven't noticed before.

Thinking back on it, I can't recall a single time where Kazuha really made me feel _happy_. A time where I was truly myself, truly happy with her. She was always standing on the sidelines, just an onlooker who happened to be a childhood friend. Guess it felt like it was only proper to like her.

Even the times where I had to save her, like when I almost accidentally fell off a cliff (I'll read signs more carefully next time.) to when we were kidnapped together, it wasn't romantic love that caused me to want to save her. It was just knowing if I let go of her hand, if I let that lady shoot the gun, I would lose my older sister. Kazuha-neechan. That's what she was to me.

Always looking after me when I was an irresponsible child, always watching me proudly as a teenager. I wanted to make her proud, make my neechan smile, but I never had any extreme fantasies. Sure I imagined kissing her once or twice; however, I'm pretty sure that's natural for a guy my age. Though, those visions were never lined with white-hot fire, gentle, yet burning passion, and the need to-ugh, not even going to go there. TMI even for me, the dreamer.

I didn't want to lose my older sister to another guy, but like a brother should, I got over her new boyfriend pretty quickly. More quickly than let's say (cough) Kudo. The fact that neechan (I mean Mouri this time) started dating that Hondou guy really shook him up. He had really, strongly believed he and neechan would end up together in the end. It was what gave him his invincible fighting spirit.

"Sir, your boarding pass please?" asks a lady dressed as a stewardess- wait, she is a stewardess-as she looks at me somewhat dubiously.

"Hmm?" I notice that it's already lying in my dark cinnamon hand and give it over to her. I really zoned out there. Wonder how I got past security...

The first thing that hits me when I enter the plane is the insane drop in temperature. Not all of us like living in freaking Antarctica! Sheesh, what do they think we are, penguins?

My seat is in the economy class, a last minute booking so it's obviously a center seat. _Great, I get to be surrounded on both sides by complete strangers._ Sighing, I take out the stuff I want from my duffel bag (A.K.A. MP3 player, headphones, yeah, you get the point) when I reach my seat. I'm the first one in my aisle to arrive, so there's plenty of space in the storage above. That's good; the duffel bag actually takes up quite a bit of space.

I plug in my headphones and put them on as I settle into my seat, setting the volume blaring high as to scare away all thoughts of anything. It's pretty hard to concentrate through the thunder of drums and screeching of guitars, and that's how I like it. Nothing but the sound of (rock) music, drowning all other thoughts as it pounds through my head.

I close my eyes; tap my foot to the beat, 1-2-1-2-1-2... And then someone barrels into me at the shoulder. Nope, exaggeration, it was just a nudge.

While I look up, annoyed and hearing impaired, the man mouthes the words, "Can I get in?"  
>I probably seem really rude right now, but I draw back my legs and let him get in. He doesn't say thank you. Can't blame him- I didn't even take off my headphones to hear him talk.<p>

Soon enough, the other guy arrives. Luckily, no hassle for rude, selfish me because he's got the aisle seat. A flight attendant comes around and kindly tells me to shut off my electronic devices. Sighing reluctantly, I pull out the headphones and power off the MP3. Stupid rules. I was just getting to my favorite song. And taking out the distraction just literally invites all my unwanted thoughts to my mind's front door. Whoops! Let me answer it.

And what's here? Only a battle with a part of my brain that's trying to keep me from going gay (couple hours too late pal! Scratch that, make it a few years!), infuriating thoughts of Kazuha and Akira, more protective than jealous, and most of all, Kudo. Of course. Who else has become the dead center of my messed up life?

The piece of me who has always adored him nags at me, asking for a favor. It- no I- wants to say his first name. Shinichi. No longer informal 'plain-old-friends', but more intimately, intimacy being the key word. You can't have romance without it, right? With a pause, I sigh, thinking, a.) That'll feel so weird, not to mention he'll probably call me out on it and b.) I'm so sick for even thinking about what I should be calling absolute bullshit!

Somehow through the convoluted jungle of my brain, I hear the words from overhead: "Use of electronics is now allowed." Thank goodness- I'm dying over here.

Plopping on my headphones and turning on the MP3 player, I instinctively hit the shuffle button. I never care about what I listen to as long as it's loud. But somehow, classical music has wormed its way into the device. Also with its own little bugs. Stupid thing's stuck on repeat. And it's not working. God dammit! I wanted to listen to something that would kill my fricking eardrums!

I would take them off, but I discover violins and electric guitars are not that different in their abilities to ward off my 'demons'. It's more peaceful than all-consuming, and I let myself focus on the individual instruments, the smooth, ceaseless chatter of the violins, the low rumble of basses, the soft, high pitched whispers of flutes, like flitting birds. I unwind, stretching out a little, careful not to touch any of the surrounding people. Let the gentle music, like magic, whisk me away. Let it take me to darkness...

So dark, it's almost scary even though I'm already twenty one. A chilly wind blows from behind me, freezing me from head to toe. I can feel ground beneath my bare feet, and it's as frozen as the air. Aren't I supposed to be on the airplane? Not in this winter-like wasteland?

Slowly, in the empty nothingness, the monotone shade of black softens to gray, and the gray to a pale pink, the color of a sunrise. I can see my surroundings now- a quiet beach, the nearly inaudible sounds of crashing waves emanating from the side, dark gray rocks washed to a light stone as the sun shines overhead, yet the sky still displays the hue of morning though the sun's position speaks of noon. The cold wind turns warmer, a zephyr, forming in the west, in the opposite direction of the light.

I look down, see pearly white grains of sand beneath my feet, feel the unique, almost crunchy texture as I adjust my feet, letting it drift into the cracks between my light caramel toes. Reminded of footprints I look to the right, the left, see absolutely nothing. I am alone here. There isn't even a single bird, cawing out its off-tune squawk, wading on the water or on the rocks. Perfect soliloquy.

Then, I sense small fingers grasping my hand, seeming as delicate as flower petals. Like if I squeezed just a tiny bit, they would shatter like glass. I hear a high-pitched, childish "Heiji-niichan!" and immediately know who is next to me. Conan- no Kudo.

Looking down, his bright sapphire eyes are glowing with enthusiasm, clothes slightly ruffled, along with his untidy chocolate bangs, giving his tiny figure the impression of messiness. He has a wide smile on his face, one that almost seems to stretch from ear to ear, almost invisible crimson blush on his cheeks.  
>I feel my own heart-thudding nervousness arrive as my emerald eyes meet his ocean-colored irises, a definitely bright-red rush of blood flooding my face.<p>

"K-Kudo," I stutter out, trying my best to sound normal and disastrously failing. Probably should toss my facade, but I'm worried he doesn't want to see the new, weird-doesn't-cover-it me. What if doesn't accept me, throw me aside as both lover and best friend? Tells me to get away from him? Child he may be right now, but it doesn't change his aura, confidence, strength, and courage that I'll never be able to come close to.

"What's up, Hattori?" His voice is deeper, changing to the tone he reserves for me and a few other people. His teenage tone.

I'm afraid to answer, frightened at the possibility of messing up (I am messed up), and the fact that his hand is locked firmly in mine doesn't help one bit. Nor is the fact that his leg is brushing against mine, firm despite its puny size. Why did I have to wear jeans?

"Nothing much on my part. Except-" I hesitate, wanting to continue and at the same time regretting that I ever said 'except'.

"Except what, Hattori?" Suddenly, Kudo isn't a child anymore, his too-big spectacles disappearing, limbs and torso elongating, voice instantly much deeper, a young adult. He's still shorter than me by one or two inches, so my gaze remains angled downwards, examining those piercing, never-changing blue eyes, ones that are directed right at me.  
>I cough, stare away from him, resist the urge to turn back, feel his warm fingers entwined with mine, his leg pressed against mine as we start walking, leaving a trail of prints behind us. <em>Start it cool, then we can get hotter<em>, I think.

"Kudo, do you mind if I call you Shinichi? You can call me Heiji if you want to- I just thought that because we're best friends it'd be okay to address each other using our first names and that-" I stop myself before I start blabbering more useless nonsense, wait anxiously for his response, the split second stretching out into ours.

"Fine by me, Heiji." I love the way my name slips off his tongue, the way his lips part as he forms the word, the static electricity I sense around me-us. _Okay Heiji, next step._

"Ku-Shinichi," I start, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, crossing the fingers of my left hand, the one that isn't wrapped around (breathe you idiot!) Shinichi's. "How would you react if I told you that I've fallen in love with you?" Can't believe I had the guts to say it.

He raises one eyebrow skeptically, as if processing my question, then looks back. "Hypothetically speaking?" he answers, half-laughing, half-smirking.

"Yeah, we can go with that." So far so good, no total spaz attack, no backing up, and no get-me-away-from-this-freak expression. "Then hypothetically speaking, what would you do?"

"Well first," he says, speaking with a sweet, honey-like voice, laced with an air of deviousness and mystery. "I would smile like this." He shows me a grin, more like a held-back snicker than a true smile. "And then I would do this."

He shakes his hand out of my hold, and sidles up to me, fingers now touching the sides of my arms as if ready to pin them to my torso. He looks up, his sparkling cat eyes giving it a seductive feel, and blows his sweet, minty breath over my face.

"Shinichi? W-what're you doing?" I say, shocked at his actions, my entire body burning with embarrassment. He leans in a little, shifts one arm to press against the back of my head, pulling me closer to him.

"Quiet Heiji, or you'll miss the grand finale," he whispers into my ear, the air tickling the side of my face, shifting locks of chocolate, before pressing his soft lips hungrily to mine.

His tongue is a ravenous snake, plunging into mine, and I respond with torrid passion of my own. Almost unconsciously, I reach for his waist, start pulling apart his shirt, hearing the satisfactory rip of thread and dropping buttons. My brain fries out the moment I try to think, I feel like I'm lost in a dream... That's the answer, isn't it? I'm freaking dreaming. No wonder he's the one kissing me. Not the other way around. A subconscious is supposed to grant wishes, but wishes aren't supposed to play with a person like this. But- it feels real.

Shinichi draws away, a satisfied smile on his face, dark aqua eyes unreadable. "Any other questions you'd like answered hypothetically?"

"Sir, wake up, sir." Someone's pushing me, waking me out of my slumber. "We've arrived at Tokyo."  
>Tokyo. This is where Shinichi is. I don't believe in fortunes and premonitions, but I hope my over-the-top dream was a good omen, not the foretelling of a living nightmare. Logic and reasoning aren't going to help me much here. As they say, 'All's fair in love and war'. Why can't there be some kind of manual without a cheesy title like 'Ten Ways to Win Over Mr. Right' or things of the sort? It would make this tons easier.<p>

Grunting, I get up, grab my duffel bag from the overhead department and get in the reasonably fast line for exiting the airplane. The moment I exit the gate, I'm treated to the nearly overwhelming hustle and bustle of Narita International Airport. Of course I land in the busiest terminal, right? At least there are no security checks for getting out of the airport.

I check my cell phone, which I conveniently left in the pocket of my duffel bag, and find a text from Shinichi.

_Professor Agasa's coming to pick you up. Can you tell me which flight you were?__  
><em>_ -Kudo Shinichi_

I type the characters onto my QWERTY keyboard, '257A for Japan Air' and hit send. I watch as the virtual envelope flies off of the screen, and walk towards the exit of the terminal, feeling as if I'm following it. The smells of greasy airport food enter my nose, wafted from various fast food restaurants. My grumbling stomach reminds me that I haven't eaten for almost five hours, having skipped lunch in my hurry.

It's only five now, and it might be a while until dinner... Shinichi's house is almost an hour from the airport. Might as well. I step into a line for a hamburger joint, and then ask for a burger and fries. And a coke- not diet. Hey, I'm hungry, okay? I don't care if I'm still having dinner later.

I recheck the time of Shinichi's text, take note that it was sent about a half hour ago. I still have a whole thirty minutes to just sit here and chew the oily beef and crunchy potatoes. Yum, the aromatic flavor of 100% artificial flavoring.

Okay, it's not that bad. If it was, this place would never have survived. Sighing, I take a huge bite of the sandwich and almost instantly a warm spurt of ketchup splashes onto my hands. The same ones that had been holding Shinichi's not so long ago in a dream- that glorious moment.

Funny how quickly I've adjusted to using that name instead. Shinichi, instead of Kudo. My dream has given me the courage to think it, but I seriously wonder how I'll fare once I have to say it. I'll probably end up stuttering again. I somehow doubt the real Shinichi would react as well as his dream version. He's not a player, and definitely not a gay one.

Wouldn't smile so seductively, wouldn't talk with that apathetic, teasing tone. Wouldn't wrap his strong hands around my arms, ensnaring me in more ways than one, and most of all, wouldn't lean in and kiss me- kiss _me_. I don't care if it was a dream. I could feel it, his lips, his tongue, the electricity coursing through the humid beach air, the cool sand underneath our feet, the warmth of his fingers clasped around me. He had looked so beautiful, tiny drops of condensation sitting on the tips of his messy bangs, glittering in the morning light, eyes simmering with an enigmatic passion. An ideal prince.

Before I know it, the meal has disappeared before my eyes, having been stuffed down my throat during my little (how do you even describe it?) rant. Probably not the right word, but I'll call it 'binging for comfort purposes'. Once again, I should have brought sweat pants.

Darn- now that I've finished my evening (I should stop fooling myself.) dinner, I have nothing to do. Sure I could listen to music again, but the only entertainment that classical piece will give me is sleep and lack of thought. After so much of that, I really wish I hadn't forgotten to pack a book or something.

I look around the vendors; notice that some of things they're selling I could give to Shinichi. A cute little gift can't hurt anyone; after all, I haven't seen him in over a month...

Sipping my soda, I walk around some more, peek around more extravagant vendors. (extravagant meaning airport extravagant.) I decide on entering a liquor store- after all, we're finally of drinking age. Might as well. I think a drink would do me some good.

I select a good-quality bottle of dry Vermouth, the one thing I'm sure Shinichi won't mind drinking. Gin, vodka, pinot noir, cognac, they'd just freak him out. He always seems high-strung when I mention anyone besides the famous actress who granted them access into the Organization, spread out all of the top members with a trail of false info as bait, and helped lead the attack. She had infiltrated the security systems and fixed them up as to not react to intruders, and even ran prerecorded videos on the cameras to keep the F.B.I. and the two little 'kids' hidden.

The plan she had organized was a huge success, toppling piece after piece once the main base had been taken over. Casualties on our side were few- far less than theirs. I personally took part in the underground war when they focused their attention on the Osaka base. Using a shotgun to defend myself, I managed to injure their leader after a day of fire and no results. It turned the tide of our losing battle.

It had taken six months to completely obliterate them, Shinichi having to 'disappear' the entire time seeing that if he was killed, we would lose our silver bullet. He had lead each attack with terrifying fury, never killing, but only crippling the people who had ruined his life and ripped it into pieces. Of course he was hurt from time to time; he had to spend about a fifth of his time in the hospital recovering from various gun and bomb wounds. Seriously, I have no idea how he survived without permanent injury.

When it was time for the final showdown, he rained down on them with unmatched power, overwhelming at least ten Organization agents by himself, leaving them in their unconscious states to the mercy of the rest of us. He was still small at the time, using a small hand gun and multiple projectiles launched from his power shoes to take down his opponents. You couldn't even imagine the expression on their faces when they realized the onslaught was lead by an elementary school kid. I felt like laughing out loud. Until bullets hit me of course.

I don't think a single person escaped a bullet wound, and an unlucky few were killed during the battles. Luckily, it was minor, but I was sent back to Osaka anyways despite my protests. Shinichi on the other hand got to stay the entire time even though his injuries were at least ten times worse than mine. Lucky git.

However, unlike Ran-neechan, Kazuha accepted what I had done and forgiven me for my sudden disappearance from college. She met me in the hospital and we exchanged a multitude of questions and answers about _them, _about everything. At the time, I had thought I'd achieved my happy ending. _Looks can be misleading, _I think. _Six months later, everything has changed…._

_Well, I'd better be heading for my fairytale ending now, _I muse as I wait for my phone to signal the Professor's arrival. _Otherwise, I might just end up like Shinichi…_

_*_Well, whaddaya think? How was the dream? I personally like it. Please review! I'd sincerely appreciate it!*


	5. Perspective

*Yes, feel free to kill me for never updating. But I never got this chapter back from my beta-reader, so I never posted it. I still haven't gotten it beta-read, so excuse the little errors and such. ^^ This chapter's been in existence for maybe 3 or four good months, so it's about time it got posted. Review replies!*

**Pandakitty: It'll happen, just be a little patient!**

**Superpaper: I'm sorry for going on hiatus... ... ... I just never got the thing back from my beta so I never posted... Sorry... But here's the next chapter if it makes you feel any better!**

**Kitsune Demon Girl: Are you sure? There's no telling what an emotionally unstable boy might do. *winks***

**WolvesAngelz: Um... Updated? *weak chuckle* Sorry for the long wait, once again..**

**Kittychan H: You do realize that review is what reminded me to post despite the fact I didn't receive this chapter back, right? Thanks for the inspiration. ^^**

Shinichi's POV

"How the hell is Hattori not here yet?" I bitch under my breath, slightly irritated (okay, a _lot_ irritated) after my hour-or-so-long nap. "I thought he got on the earliest plane."

"It can't be helped, Kudo-kun," answers Haibara, who is sitting on the bed next to me, sighing. "He just got notified. Besides, it takes a while even by air. Airplanes aren't instant teleportation."

"They should be..." I turn away from her childishly, but her small hand pulls me back, forcing me to face her.

"How're you feeling, Kudo-kun?" she asks, keeping a firm grip on my shoulder. She lays her other hand on my forehead, and it feels a little cold. Not that it means anything- she's always felt a little cold to me. Even when I'm not in some sort of funky hangover and getting over a headache of pill overdose.

"Wouldn't a thermometer work better?" I joke as she pulls away, a pondering expression on her face as if calculating some sort of scientific equation. "Even an expert chemist like you can't tell an exact temperature just from touch, right?"

"38.94 degrees Celcius." She looks back at me, a smile on her face, eyes twinkling. "Don't underestimate me, Kudo-kun. That's a fever. I'll check it with a thermometer if you wish."

"Come on!" I protest, an almost child-like whine in my voice. Five years of being Conan has left its mark on me. I must say it makes me sound quite pathetic. "You've got to be playing around!"

Rolling her eyes, she leans back down over me. "Of course I can't get the right temperature, silly!" She flicks my nose playfully, looking older than usual. I mean, she's technically eleven now, and a hell lot taller than she used to be. But, she's still tiny compared to the grown-up me. Her tone grows more serious as she continues, "However, I can tell if it's a fever. You think being a scientist hasn't given me at least a slight knowledge of medical information?"

"I don't feel like taking another nap," I groan, countering her before she lays out the 'ideal' ways of curing fevers, including staying asleep for seven-eighths of the day and having a hot towel over my forehead. "I'm not tired anymore, and Hattori's coming soon."

"Sometimes I feel like I'm looking after an elementary student. You won't even take a small nap. I bet toddlers are more obedient than you!" she teases, lightening the somewhat dreary atmosphere. Her tea-colored hair reaches her shoulders, longer than before. It's a nice change.

"If you wanted to take care of a toddler, then you should have played with the kids! I'm pretty sure Mitsuhiko and the others still act like toddlers. Don't you hang out with them?" I ask curiously, watching her expression slightly change.

"I've been skipping school the past month to take care of you. I haven't seen them for a while. It's actually kind of lonely- didn't realize I'd miss them this much." She gives a little chuckle, but it's easy to tell she's dead serious. Those children have become her best friends over the past few years.

"Do they still miss Conan?" I wonder out loud, thinking about whether or not they remembered me. Even though I only turned back into my true self one month ago, I'd spent the previous six helping the F.B.I. obliterate the Black Organization.

"Ayumi will mention him sometimes, and so will the other two. They still believe you ran off to America, and I'm not going to change that. However, they're disappointed that you haven't sent them any postcards."

"Hm... Probably should do that sometime..." I mumble before starting again. "It'll be fine if you leave for a little bit and play with them. I'll be okay."

"No way, Kudo-kun. We didn't hide every poisonous chemical in the house or even weapons for that matter. I figure even if we did you would throw yourself off the second floor something. I'm not letting you stay alone after what happened this morning." Her tone is firm, so I know there is no point in arguing whatsoever. Even if I told her that I'm not going to off myself with Hattori coming, I doubt she'd believe me.

"Fine. I guess nothing I can do will convince you I'm not feeling suicidal right now. I actually feel kind of better- I'm not thinking of her as much." The edge of Haibara's mouth twitches upwards as she tries to hold back a smile. Before, it would hurt to know that one of my closest friends was happy to know of my dying affections, but the pain isn't there anymore. There's no way in the world this is going to turn into love though.

"Glad to be of service, Kudo-kun." I hear the vibration of a cell phone, and see it's my own on the stand. Haibara picks it up for me, reading the text message. "You have two messages; the first is from Hattori-kun." My heart performs a wild flutter at the name. "The other," she pauses, hesitant. "Is from Mouri-chan."

"Well, what do they say?" I ask, acting apathetic to the news that Ran had texted me. Why would she text me? But for some reason, I want to read Hattori's more...

"Hattori-kun says the plane just took off. He'll arrive in an hour or two. Mouri-chan sent a picture of her and Hondou-kun at the Empire State Building. She says she's really happy and doing well in America. She wants to know how you are." She scans my face, my eyes for any traces of 'harmful' emotions. I don't think there's anything.

"Lemme see the picture," I whine; sitting up, feel the cool air in my loose white T-shirt. Probably is a fever.

Haibara hands me the phone carefully, as if I am a wild animal locked in a cage. Quite an accurate description if you ask me. Ran is hugging Hondou, the former having grown taller and more masculine in the past few years. He's lost some of his innocent, helpless look to a strong, confident aura. Both smile for the camera, a night scene of New York City behind them, making it seem as if they are at the top of the world. Ran is dressed in a casual dress and sandals, her eyes shining with joy. Happier than she's ever looked these past five years. No matter how hard I had tried, I couldn't get her to smile that way. I'm jealous of Hondou.

I know I have no chance with Ran anymore, but to know he beat me, won her over, makes me feel inferior. I lost to clumsy, girly, unlucky Hondou, who happened to be lucky enough to be boyfriend to the girl I loved. Great enough a guy to make her laugh and smile probably about every day. Can promise her a good future, won't leave her alone. I was the opposite.

I was dexterous, strong, confident Kudo Shinichi, unlucky enough to be shrunk by a future ally and lose my childhood friend in terms of romance. I gave her empty promises and entertained her fantasies of my return. All I did was make her cry. I hid the truth in fear that she'd find it. I couldn't assure a good future- I didn't even know whether I'd be alive long enough to have one. It's no wonder she chose him. As a detective, it took me a while to figure that out.

"Kudo-kun, are you okay?" inquires Ai, and I realize I've closed my eyes. A single, burning tear slides down my face, dropping onto the white bed sheets.

"He deserves her more than I ever did. I can't believe I didn't see it till now. I was so stupid..." I let out a gentle sigh, try and wipe away sweat from my damp bangs, half-smiling. "He can give her whatever I can't."

"Kudo-kun-" I hold two fingers to her lips to seal them.

"It's just relieving to finally realize she's in good hands. My vision of Hondou was clouded. Now, in this reply, should I include the fact I tried to suicide?" I muse somewhat jokingly, trying to lighten the tense atmosphere.

"Depends on what you want her to send back. If you want her to call you, putting it in is the better option. Though, knowing her, she'll take all the blame for it and everything even if her part was in the right. It's just so her." Her statement is true, and I know it. She may not think of me in the same way, but through it all, we're still friends. I think. I bet if we met up, and if I weren't so messed up, it'd be almost identical to high school, except without romance. Happy, laughing friends. I don't want to hurt her- the blame for my heartbreaking goes back to me. And then the tea-colored girl next to me. However, I'll shut up because I don't want to insult her. She's also a friend.

I sound like an elementary school kid. I'm almost twenty-two for crying out loud! I should be in college, have a girlfriend, (or boyfriend as my *cough* 'hallucinations' hint.) and have more than just these few friends. I should have people other than just Haibara, someone who I'll never be able to fully forgive, and Hattori, who lives too far away to meet up often. Wish he lived in Tokyo.

As a best friend of course. It's not like I want anything more. I don't need to feel his warm caramel skin against mine, the strength of his arms- don't need to feel his cool breath in my ear, like a whisper of the wind, strong and confident like a tiger, and most of all don't need to feel his perfect lips against mine, his body pressed to me, the static electricity that pulses through the air as the world bursts into flames of burning passion. And how the heck did I think of all of that effortlessly? It felt natural to list that out- it seems so wrong. I was thinking so strongly- I wonder where the power has dissipated to. I had felt wanted- why am I so alone?

"I'll reply to her later. I'm going to rest for a little bit until Hattori comes." I pull the damp covers back over me, the sweat more than slightly uncomfortable. But Haibara leaves, leaving the door a crack open. That way, if I try to split my head open, she'll be able to hear it. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm crazy, or she's paranoid or both. I really do.

Whatever, I can sense my exhaustion like a tired cloud, slowly resting its light, yet irrepressible, weight onto me. I let out a strained yawn, stick my legs off of the bed just because, and lay my head on Haibara's strawberry-shampoo-scented pillow. Softer than it was a minute ago. That's nice.

I don't fight against the cloud- I allow it to settle on my body, relax my tensed muscles. It's been a long time since I've truly enjoyed this basic, basic sensation. I've been going to bed crying, sick, and plain old heartbroken. Staying up despite what Haibara says to do, plotting ways to die. Not just laying like this, limbs stretched out, splayed under the blanket, losing the feeling of my legs and arms, yet fully aware. The fuzzy aura reaching my brain, shutting down trains of thought, shutting down me. I hope it stays...

I find myself on a sandy beach, stretching out for what must be miles, light green beach plants, thin and frail from lack of soil, line the scenery behind me. I hear the crashing of ocean waves, the subtle difference between the large and small, the silence that fills the air. I smell the salty breeze, heavy with moisture, feel it grab my hair and feel it try to pull it away, failing.

I look at my hands; notice the tiny fingers of a child- the fingers belonging to a boy named Edogawa Conan. Why was I him? He should be gone. I brush sand off my clothes, a formal white-long sleeved shirt only buttoned three-quarters of the way up, exposing part of my pale peach chest, and long khaki pants. Why this formal apparel?

I realize that there are no glasses on my face, the symbol of my imprisonment as the mysterious kid gone, revealing my freedom. I relish it; at least I'm Shinichi, not his faint shadow, Conan, who can only dream of one day becoming real, not just an alias. Besides, I killed Conan. There's no way in hell I'm reviving him.

Glancing up, I see a tall, young adult, skin as dark as caramel. His pristine, snow-white shirt is almost shining, the dark blue button-up jacket highlighting the effect, providing a major contrast. I don't even reach his hips, the only thing I clear are his long, muscular legs, hidden by the cover of black jeans. I know who it is. It's none other than Hattori.

I watch as his eyes scan the beach, searching for people. He doesn't see mini little me, an elf compared to his tall stature, not bothering to look down. His eyes of glimmering emerald gleaming with curiosity and a hint of loneliness. His mouth curves into a frown. I don't want that.

Almost unconsciously, I reach for his dangling arm; feel the power and warmth immediately. A sense of utter confidence erupts inside of me- I know exactly how I'll play this game.

"Heiji-niichan!" I cry in Conan's naïve, childish voice. I put on a smile, the one I'd use to trick people into thinking I was no more than a mere kid. No more than first-grade Edogawa Conan.

He looks down in complete surprise, a wide red blush spreading across his face. My grin widens at his embarrassment, and I almost laugh. It feels really weird to say this but he looks (what is wrong with me) absolutely adorable. He almost seems to recoil, and I feel a tiny blush on my own cheeks. Once again, K-A-W-A-I-I. I need to smack myself later.

"K-Kudo," he stutters, sounding both ridiculous and nervous, though his expression shows he was obviously going after apathetic. He's always been bad at hiding emotions I guess. He adjusts his shirt, trying to look away and yet his eyes, the verdant jade, are definitely locked onto mine, an invisible beam connecting them.

"What's up, Hattori?" I ask, waiting for a hopefully just-as-pleasing reply. I want to see that precious blush again. I want to make it happen, watch him blush deeper, voice shaky as if deprived of air, attempt to speak monotone, instead failing. It'd be nice to know if I was the only one who could do that.

He scratches his neck, hesitates, and then answers, tone steadier than before. "Nothing much on my part, except-" He pauses, stopping, face seeming to steam.

"Except what, Hattori?" My voice comes out deeper, a sound I couldn't achieve without a machine as Coman. The moment the words leave my mouth, I feel older, taller, and and now to his forehead, the true Kudo Shinichi. Surprisingly, without the pain there usually was in transforming. Whatever, I'm still shorter than him and for some reason, it really irks me. I'm an adult, and the kid that's been hard-wired into me is complaining on not being the biggest. Shut up, Conan, I think, knowing what an absolute idiot I must sound like.

It seems as if he is even more embarrassed in front of Kudo Shinichi than Edogawa Conan, expression changing into a incomprehensible flustered look. I can feel him against me, his leg as I pull him along slowly, the synchronized movement of our bodies, fluid like water, shift together. His hand is clenched tightly in mine, having not let go since grabbing him. Why should I? It feels warm and comforting, a blanket of safety I haven't had before. Like a shield.

"Kudo, do you mind if I call you Shinichi?" he asks, stammering as he looks down, tapping his foot agitatedly. "You can call me Heiji if you want to- I just though that because we're best friends that it'd be okay to address each other by first names and that-" He cuts off, face somehow even redder than before.

I giggle quietly before answering, trying to capture the image of his adorable, embarrassed face and lock it into my memory. "Fine by me, Heiji." I emphasize his name, see a faint trace of joy on his face, precious viridian irises returning to their normal look, a strong, powerful fire.

"Ku- Shinichi," he corrects himself, staring down at me. Then he closes them, takes a deep breath, leaving me hanging onto the sound of my name, the sound still echoing in my ear. Shinichi, Shinichi, Shinichi... Like a beautiful song, made magical by his smooth voice. I know that I must look like he did right now, but a mask keeps most of from showing through. I've gotten pretty good at Poker Faces. No, he's opening his mouth, ready to speak again, and I want to hear what he says, need to. "How would you react if I told you I've fallen in love with you?" He might as well have set off fireworks.

Hattori- no Heiji said he likes me. Said he loves me. Oh my god, oh my god! I think, mind reeling with happy surprise. Heiji... But I have to play this cool, I'm going to show him what I can offer. If he's fire, then I'll just be ice.

In a cool, sarcastic, hopefully seductive voice, I say, "Hypothetically speaking?" That's right, Shinichi. Play your hand slowly, don't show him what you've got. This is how the game works. You can completely win him over here

"Yeah, we can go with that. Then, hypothetically speaking, what would you do?" His voice is filled with yearning, begging me for an answer. I almost feel like petting him; he reminds me of a puppy.

"Well first," I start, lowering my voice to a purr-like tone. "I would smile like this." I let out a smirk, one that shows arrogance in every place you could look. As he looks on in surprise, I let go of his hand, and move my tenacious fingers upwards towards the bases of his arms, grabbing them tightly. "Then I would do this."

I lean up against him, put my face barely two inches in front of his, close enough to make out every detail on his dark-toned skin, the perfection I see there. I press my hands inwards, almost hugging him, breathing cool air over his face. Oh yeah, I'm definitely enjoying this.

"Shinichi? W-what're you doing?" He might as well be shrieking, his voice is so high. I can feel his quick, steady heartbeat, the warmth of his body as the blood runs through his veins. This moment is so right; I can tell. And now's the time.

"Quiet Heiji, or you'll miss the grand finale." With an unprecedented urge I press my lips to his, feel the blood boil as my tongue slips in. My grip on his arms grows tighter as I lean farther in, standing on the balls of my feet, needing to feel more of him.

He answers back, giving me as much as I've given him, both of us trapped in a flurry of passion, hunger, dire need for each other. How have I survived before this? How have I lived without experiencing this?  
>This is life, this is what it should feel like, a torrent of love, taking place where time is put on pause, and minds lose control. So what is controlling me? Instinct, down to my animal core, feral desire, proclaiming that Heiji is mine, mine, mine. That I belong to him. That we are meant for each other.<p>

The fireworks continue in my mind, bringing heat and color as we kiss. Red as I hold him tighter, green as he wraps his arms against my waist, blue as he starts to rip open my shirt, and it's almost too much for me. This isn't the time for that.

I push him away unwillingly; see his jade-hued eyes open in wonder, my arrogant face reflected in the emerald orbs. "Any other questions you'd like answered hypothetically?" I ask, a desperate tone behind it, but it's disguised by my obvious arrogance.

Instead of answering, he stands stock-still, head tilted sideways as if listening to something. He has a quizzical expression on his face, and he seems to be staring into space.

"Oy, Heiji!" I cry, but he doesn't seem to hear, walking off away from me. Don't leave! Don't leave me! I silently beg. I'm sorry I stopped you. "Oy!"

His silhouette starts to fade, becoming less solid, more ghostly, almost sparkling in the strange light. What's going on? What the hell is going on?

A strong wind picks up, throwing grains of sand at my body and face, burning them as I scan through the storm for Heiji. Where'd he go? He was only a few feet away from me! Eyes closed, I try and feel for him, whimpering, "Heiji, don't leave without me. Please!"

"Kudo-kun..." The voice emanates from the heavens, a familiar one that rings until it becomes deafening. "Kudo-kun, wake up!"

Haibara's face is right in front of me, eyes shining with worry. She's panting, a sign that she's probably been yelling for a while. And if she's been yelling and no one else is in the room, then that means Heiji isn't here yet. Dammit!

That was the entire reason I went to sleep! Now I have to wait even longer for him to come, wait even longer to hear his voice for real. Though dream it might have been, it felt like reality. I could sense his warmth, his desperate touch as his fingers brushed my skin, trying to force open my shirt, that sensation, the fear, the need, the all-consuming hunger.

I need him, I need him, I need him. There is no fact more simple, more true. I have to see him again, taste his fire, look into his bright green eyes, hear him say, "How would you react if I told you I've fallen in love with you?" I only need it once.

"Kudo-kun!" Haibara calls, once again pushing me back into wakefulness. "Are you okay?"

"Why the fuck wouldn't I be, bitch?" I never said I'd be a perfect angel when answering people. I am so pissed; she scared away my utopia-like daydreams and fantasies. Not to mention insults are hard-wired into my system.

She recoils in shock, and her expression is enough to make my insides snicker with satisfaction. Serves her right.

"I was just concerned about your well-being. If you have enough energy to bad mouth me like that, then I guess you're almost recovered." Her words are laced with venom, but I'm completely immune to it. 'Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me' and all that random bullshit. Besides, only a few people can truly damage me- the most obvious one being Ran. Perhaps a few hurtful sentences from Heiji would also be painful, but I've never experienced that before, and I sincerely hope I don't have to. Just the thought makes me want those painkillers.

Kinda funny how just this morning when I woke up, still dark, clock showing 2:30 A.M. I decided to end everything. I knew that Haibara kept all the medicine in her unlocked cabinet, and stealthily stole (well, it was more to make sure than because of actual 'danger') a canister of pills. As a detective I know that about twelve are usually enough to be lethal. If I did this, there was a 75% chance I'd never see the sun again.

When you're contemplating suicide, you'd be surprised at how many times you change your mind in a minute. Can't stand living anymore, what would my friends do, I don't give a damn about anything, who would cry, and finally, one side gained victory. But I was still scared- would it hurt? Would it burn? The APTX had given me tolerance to pain, but I hadn't actually died. This would kill me. Was I prepared? What came after this?

I forced myself to shake all these questions away, took a beer out of the fridge, and opened the bottle. It cleared my mind and cooled my parched throat. Shook out what must have been over a dozen of the little capsules, illuminated only by faint traces of light from the window Haibara had thoughtfully opened. No wonder it was so damn cold.

I swallowed my fears, swallowed the pills, gulped the entire thing down with a swish of Budweiser. Felt the effects immediately, fell back onto the bed, breathing shallow, head dizzy. Couldn't see, only hearing my ragged breaths and now disjointed heartbeat, da-bump! Da-bump! A black veil, my fingers slipping, pain, burning hot, tearing at my brain. Reaching my heart. Sweat covering my entire body, soaking my clothes and the bed. Thoughts not connecting, no thinking to be done.

An almost inaudible crack of glass, the sound of footsteps, loud and rushed, coming down the stairs, the door slamming against the wall, Haibara's gasp, me starting to fade away. Something else snakes its way into my mouth, something disgusting and revolting. I retch up everything, taste the foul alcohol slide off my tongue with the half-dissolved pills. What was going on? Pain-killers are supposedly painless.

"Kudo-kun!" she cried, outside of my visual capabilities. "Answer me! Tell me you're okay!"

Little hands shaking me, my head spinning. What had made it hurt so much? The beer? The changes the APTX had made to my DNA? Doesn't matter, I wasn't dead. I was breathing, not stone-still. Not sure whether or not to be grateful or depressed. Not sure if I would make it to morning.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Kudo-kun?" yells Haibara, face in front of me. "You might as well be on the moon for all the spacing off you've been doing! Why can't you at least listen to me?"

"I don't feel like it. The only voice I'd like to hear is Heiji's. At least he doesn't act like an overprotective mother hen!" She raises her eyebrows in suspicion as I say 'Heiji' instead of 'Hattori' but she shuts her mouth.

"I'll let you know when he gets here then," she replies brusquely, not looking me in the eyes, leaving the room. Good riddance.

Her departure once again heralds loneliness, and I fall back down, wishing for Heiji, already imagining our reunion, made perfect by my mind. I want it, I want it, I want it so badly.

Goddamn it, why aren't you fucking here yet, Heiji?

*So, we leave off on Shinichi cursing Heiji in his head and being the emotionally unstable boy he is after a- um- suggestive dream. Any kind words for me? (translated into author language, Any reviews for me?) XD I'll be able to write faster, trust me!*


	6. Jealousy

*Ha, ha, ha... I posted this out of guilt... It hasn't been beta-ed, and that's the original reason I never posted it. I go psycho without a beta, and I ended up kind of giving up on this. I'll try to end this soon, but there's no guarantee for that. I feel kind of bad posting this when I don't really have a solid plan to finish it, but someone requested that I update, and I did. Enjoy.*

Ai's POV

"Kudo-kun!" I cry desperately, sensing that he is somewhere far away, eyes closed, a small smile laced with pain. I used to think this made him look angelic, but now it only brings back hellish, nightmarish visions of this morning. His horrible attempted suicide. "Are you okay?"

I shake him, hoping to somehow pull him back into reality, back to me. He's been zoning out far too much for my liking. It's not normal, and it scares me. If he's awake, his eyes will glaze over, if he's asleep, he stays so still, his breathing all but silent, ghostly and chilling to the bone. He hasn't been like this before today- at least, not this much.

His blue eyes suddenly jolt open, staring up at me with the unrestrained intensity of fire, a flickering azure flame burning with rage and pain. His eyebrows are furrowed in anger, dark brown hair messy, sticking out in even more directions than usual, his voice a loud, startling growl as he snarls, "Why the fuck wouldn't I be, bitch?" He resembles a raging tiger, each word loaded with so much fury that they're as heavy as lead.

The insult cuts deep despite the fact that my self-made barricade has risen to my defense. It brings my own contempt, my own mixed, damaged emotions. Why can't he just take some time to appreciate what I've done? Not everybody has the patience to deal with a cranky, lovesick, completely wrecked twenty-one year old male 24/7. I let him gouge into me, take my soul apart piece by piece, hit me, hurt me. Anything to help him feel better. I've gotten nothing in return. Zip. Zero. Nada.

I've considered just giving up and telling him to take care of himself, but I've been in love with him much too long for that. And even though he broke my heart that time, he was trying to be gentle. Not killing my feelings, but laying them aside for a later time. The time I confessed.

_What am I doing? Stop spacing off, Ai_, I think to myself. _One mentally unstable person in this house is enough. Someone needs to be in charge._

I set my face into a stone-cold mask, putting on the stare that gives even me shivers while looking into a mirror. Will it work on him? I hope so. "I was just concerned about your well-being," I spit, each word carrying a ton of ice with it- barbed, sharpened ice. Maybe some poison as well. "If you've got enough energy to badmouth me like that, then I guess you're almost recovered."

I judge his reaction, and I am very disappointed with the results. He does nothing except give a slight smile, as if his words were for testing me. Then, he turns over, facing the opposite wall, looking away from me. He's obviously satisfied.

I let out a snort of annoyance. Couldn't he have just pretended to look intimidated? At least continue to listen? He should know me well enough to realize that I wasn't finished. Oh well, I have to give him a break sometime I guess.

_Why am I so weak?_ I wonder as I simply let go of the anger. _Why can't I just stand up for myself against him? Why do I just let him step all over me like this? I shouldn't be doing this. I need- I need to prove I'm strong._

But I'm not. It's all an act, a skillfully weaved lie. I've never been whole, never strong, always hiding the pitiful, broken me behind a clever mask of ice. Ice melts though, and now little by little, my true self starts breaking through, succumbing to Kudo-kun's taunts and insults. Accepting them, not complaining in fear of more pain.

The fear that he'll push me away at long last, tell me to get the hell out of his life and leave like he wants to. I've heard what he says when he's drunk, angry, how it's all my fault his life was shattered and the pieces thrown to the wind, scattered like grains of sand in an arid desert. That he blames me for everything, does not hesitate to say it with alcohol running through his bloodstream, instead making it his number one priority to ensure I understand, that I suffer his wrath. The bruise on my arm still stings.

I've also heard what he whispers in his sleep on those lonely nights, still begging Mouri-chan to come back, sounding like a scared little child, lost and alone. Pleading for forgiveness, shifting back and forth on the bed in utter turmoil, a trapped animal, unsure of whether to run or attack. His pitiful whimpers as he murmurs, "Don't go. Don't go, please, Ran..." The sound hanging for long moments on the still air.

How countless tears run down his face, leaving streaks of hot moisture, as much as they did the unforgettable day I found him alone in his house, abandoned by his love. And I'll gently wipe them away without his knowledge, neither a smile nor frown on my stone-carved face. Only heavy sorrow on my heart, seeing him in this broken, desperate state a month later, the same as day one. Still recovering from the blows.

However, it doesn't hurt as much as the changes he's been through when he's awake- a snappy temper, a sharper tongue. A need for violence. The arrogant Poker Face he puts up to hide his pain, tricking no one but himself. I can cut right through it, a sharp knife through soft butter, read his thoughts, feelings, intentions, seeing I use the same trick. I act as his obedient, unquestioning servant day and night, and he is no longer the gentleman he was. He's plain rude and obnoxious.

So often I ask myself why I stay, why I must be so masochistic. How I give in to this torturous treatment everyday without protest, without fighting. Why I've dropped everything in exchange for the wrecked him- my friends, my time, and essentially my life. I have an answer. I need him here to feel like myself. That's something I can't deny.

But something's happened today, I can tell. The change in his actions, the actual enthusiasm, and most of all, him calling Hattori-kun 'Heiji', muttering his first name instead during his nap. What is going on? When did Hattori-kun suddenly become such an important person to him? He hardly mentioned him before today. His behavior is more erratic than usual; he's switching on-and-off randomly, changing from somewhat sweet to downright smartass. I'm scared of him.

It's not that he hasn't called me those names; it was the pure anger behind it, reminding me of the voice he used as he shot Gin in the side, not fatal, but undeniably crippling. Cold, chilling to the bone- it had been the only time I'd ever seen Gin show fear, and so much of it at once. Even we, his comrades, were deadly afraid when he turned back, crystal blue eyes frozen, intimidating despite his small body.

_Kudo-kun_, I think, basking in old memories. _I'm sorry how things worked out for you._

If things went the way we-he- planned however, what kind of person would he be? Would he have reverted into the carefree detective he had been before Conan, or stayed the same, more cautious and serious? Would he have married Mouri-chan, moved to America with her? Would he be even a trace of what he is now? Wrecked and disheveled?

I think, no matter what, he'd have kept at least part of Conan with him. You can't just drop five years of pain, fear, and struggle just because you've won the fight. It never dies- the battles get replayed in your dreams, your nightmares, haunting you every night. I know he has them- if it's not Ran he dreams about, it's them he mutters about, cursing them and promising revenge, voicing his uncertainties, whimpering in panic as he realizes that it might be the end.

If he had Mouri-chan with him, could he fight his terror? Hold back the freezing cold, icy claw of fear? The one that slowly pricks its way up your spine, chilling you as it moves? I can't fight my own dreams, but I've learned not to scream.

To stay quiet as I see people die all over again, to keep from yelling when my sister is killed, to hold back a blood-curling screech when Kudo-kun is shot, almost fatally by Gin. Watch blood come out of his mouth, his harsh breathing as he falls. But in reality, he got back up, firing the bullet that ended the war.

He hit Gin, their last hope, and crippled him for good. Ironically, someone had put a silver bullet in the cartridge. Holding his side, a flower of blood bloomed near his abdomen as he looked back at us victoriously, and then collapsed.

Saying I freaked is quite an understatement actually. If I didn't realize fainting on the spot would do no good, it's what I would have done. Instead, I ran towards him, forgetting the threat of Gin and his lackeys, consumed by my worry for Kudo-kun. I shook him until he opened those perfect sapphire eyes, tired and proud.

_"Did I do it, Haibara?" he asks as I lift his head, tilting it to my. He clutches his bloody shirt, letting out a groan of pain as he speaks. _

_The F.B.I. agents arrest Gin, clapping on the metal handcuffs, like thick iron bracelets, onto his wrists, and close in on his fellow members. Bourbon, Korn, Chianti, and Vodka being the last offering resistance, led by the mysterious 'anokata'. They were all rendered immobilized by a surprise appearance of the Tokyo Police, taking them completely by surprise as the force utilized their guns and numbers to the fullest._

When the identity of the boss was revealed, I was shocked to realize he was none other than my own father, the supposedly deceased Miyano Atsushi. He still hasn't explained anything in jail, maintaining silence as the trial for the whole of the syndicate, said to become the trial of the century or even millennium, draws closer. It's only three months away, and I wonder if Kudo-kun could stand it- he has to testify against them. He's one of the key witnesses. At the moment, he's having a hard time standing.

_If there was only anything I could do for you..._ I think, wiping away a tear. _I could love you as much as she did; I'd never leave your side. I'd be here to listen to your fears, your shoulder to cry on when the going gets tough. If only you'd just let me in..._

_I'd be your morning sun, the star that shines on even the darkest nights. I'd stand by you through thick and thin, help you through this giant mess. Why won't you at least give me a chance, Kudo-kun?_

Another tear slides down my face, clinging to the edge of my chin before gravity takes its toll. How much I wish- how much I wish that he belonged to me, that he'd smile at me the same way he'd smile to Mouri-chan- a snarky, childish grin. I'm about as strong as he is, but I've been like this longer. I can don my masquerade as instinctively as breathing, putting it up without a second thought. I used it first to hide darker secrets from my late nee-chan to keep her from worrying. It soon became a daily routine, a futile attempt to hide my fear of Gin and his crooneys. The only time it broke- well- it was my useless revolt.

When they threw me in that cell, well, I guess I was in the same situation as Kudo-kun. My mind, heart, and body urged me to take that pill, that damned poison, swallow it and let everything melt in the following blaze. No one would care- I was alone. The only one of my family left. I was going to be killed anyway. _Nothing_ to lose. _Nothing_ to be gained by living.

And of course, by some wicked hand of irony, I'm one of the only ones to survive. The only one who had decided to die. Why am I still living? Why am I still here?

If I had died then, I wouldn't have met Kudo-kun, maybe making both of our lives a lot less painful. I wouldn't have had to fall for him, he wouldn't have listened to my advice, which was obviously a mistake, and kept his secrets from Mouri-chan. But that was such a selfish request on my part; though I tried to convince even myself that it was to protect us, its true purpose was to let me have Kudo-kun for a little longer. Just a little bit.

It was always hard for me to concentrate in my lab, work towards what would ultimately sever my only tie to him, my only chance. But I owed it to him, owed it so badly to fix the damage I had inflicted upon his life and those surrounding him. He considered my making of the poison a sin, which I agreed, and wordlessly pushed me to make up for it- to turn over a new leaf, which I willingly did, and to make the antidote for him. To give him back Kudo Shinichi, a persona I unknowingly stole.

I hadn't meant to fall for him, hadn't meant to care this much. But- but I couldn't resist it no matter how much I tried, trying again and again to convince myself that it was hopeless to try and to just give up. But one quote ran through my head, contradicted it, _"Just because you were beat one hundred years before starting doesn't mean you have no shot at winning."_ Once that happened, I couldn't fight the truth anymore. I had fallen.

I'd never loved a guy before; only the little family I had. As a child, my mother and father were always busy, but when they had come to see me, it was like heaven in hell. When they 'died' together in the crash, I was depressed for days, weeks, even taking over my father's job in an attempt to ease my pain. It would bring happy, nearly painless memories of him smiling, teaching me the elements, how they reacted with one another, how some would change into pretty colors when mixed together. How could he be the boss? How could he change so much? He said he loved me so long ago, carefully guiding me along the path of a scientist, so why did he order for Sherry's death?

So many questions remain unanswered, so many- Wait a sec! I can't hear Kudo-kun's breathing anymore!

Frantically I shake him, feeling him limp in my hands. Wake. Up. Now, I urge, waiting for him to open his eyes.

"Heiji..." he murmurs, head lolling to one side."Don't leave me..."

Heiji... Did he say Heiji? Jealousy flares even though I am barely half-aware of why. Heiji, not Hattori. Heiji, not Mouri-chan. Heiji, not... me.

I'd have thought, that out of everybody remaining, he'd pick me. _Wait!_ I suddenly realize the full impact of his pleads. _Hattori-kun- Hattori-kun- he's a guy! How could he? Over me? This- this is just plain crazy! That means Kudo-kun- Kudo-kun- is gay? No way! Since when?_

Driven more than slightly frantic by my envious thoughts and feelings, I shake him harder until his eyes finally open, looking like a blue lightning flash.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Kudo-kun?" I scream, my question attacking him in more ways than one. "You might as well be on the moon for all the spacing off you're doing! Why can't you at least listen to me?"

"I don't feel like it," he replies bluntly, half-yawning, not a hint of kindness in his voice. Then, confirming my worst fears, he says, "The only voice I want to hear is Heiji's. At least he doesn't act like an overprotective mother hen!"

"Fine," I answer as brusquely as I can, keeping utter surprise off of my face, keeping the utter pain off my face. "I'll let you know when he gets here then."

I storm to the door in fury, fueled by this blinding new knowledge. Kudo-kun likes Hattori-kun. Not as a best friend kind of 'like', but as in boyfriend-urgh- boyfriend kind of 'like'. I feel like retching. I feel like I've somehow got myself stuck in a yaoi manga. This. Isn't. Right.

I know I'm not wrong. As I've said before, I can read through that mask of his like a knife cuts through butter. He wasn't even trying to hide it then. His words, his tone, his behavior are all explained by that single fact. Flames of jealousy eat at my mind.

I, who stayed by his side through everything, I, who cared for him, asking nothing in return, I, who loved him this entire time, am overshadowed by a guy. His best friend who is the same freaking gender as him. My anger seethes just below the surface of my skin.

Once I get into the light of upstairs, only just realizing I left a lab full of poisons to Kudo-kun's disposal, do I regain some sense of sanity. _He won't kill himself now_, I think bitterly. _His precious 'Heiji' is coming for him. No wonder he didn't react at all to Mouri-chan's text. He was waiting for this._

I throw myself hard onto the couch, taking out my frustration on a pillow, tearing the cover and leaving an explosion of feathers, pressing my mouth to the cushion to muffle my yell. I am so disappointed, so furious, so envious that I want to scream. Okay, so I already did, but scream some more.

I would have been fine losing to Mouri-chan. I had lost that battle before I even started. But Hattori-kun- he shouldn't have even been on the list of candidates! What did Kudo-kun see in him that would convince him to turn gay? I know that to a female, he's attractive and charming, but why should a male like that? Kudo-kun should like girls like just about every other freaking boy in the freaking world!

Taking the remains of the ripped-up pillows, I mute my shriek so only I can hear it echo like a bell through my head. My pain resounding off the walls of my skull.

Tears meld into the fabric and feathers, spilling faster and faster as I lay there. I'm as defeated as Kudo-kun, but I'm not done yet.

I'm not letting go just yet. I don't care what I have to do. I need to try and make him mine. There's nothing that'll stop me.

Plans unravel in my head; each more wicked than the last. But most of them sound like this:

_Kudo-kun will be mine if I can get Hattori-kun out of the way. Permanently._

*Looking back, this seems a bit too drastic for Ai. But I played everybody as overly dramatic, so I guess it's fine. This has been written for... at least three months I'm guessing. Hmm... As long as nobody's too concerned about word count, I think I could actually give this story an ending. By word count, I mean the chapters won't always be like, 3000 words or something, but I'll still try to make them as full as possible. Oh, and yes, review replies. Always important.

**Kitsune Demon Girl: Shinichi is a grumpy teenage boy. He'll just blame whatever comes to mind. XD I like thinking they were dreaming the same thing... Like they met up in a world they both dreamed, and it was 'real' in a way. The idea was too enticing to resist.**

**Super Paper: Oops... I tend to do that when I get Writer's block and stuff. I'll probably try to finish this, but I'm trying to get a consistent update for another story I'm working on, so don't expect chapters that often. **

**Panda Kitty: I just get paranoid without a beta. I think my beta just gave up. But I don't blame her- we're online buddies and she just doesn't have the time. I worry about mistakes because it's all written on my iTouch, italics added later. XD Updated. I started the next chapter a while ago... but it seems cheesy.**

**Amy-sama90: LOL, first thing I noticed was your name. My real name is Amy. XD Thanks for the encouragement! It was one of the contributing factors to my guilt. **

**Kittychan H: I think he looks terrible too. But... It's probably best not to focus too much on those details. As for the bath... O.O I'm a long way from writing an actual yaoi scene like that. (I'm not even fourteen) I mean, imagine if one of my close friends read that... ... Yeah. And BTW, your plastic pink flamingo appears to be effective. ^^**

**BridgetWolfe: I'm a ShinRan fan as well. :) (though right now my fandom is DraMione... don't get me started on that though.) Here's the chapter! Hope you enjoyed it!**

Review, and you might have the chance to trick me into more guilt. XD Oh, and if anyone reading is a fan of DraMione (DracoXHermione from Harry Potter), please check out my story, Escape! It's the one I'm planning to update as consistently as possible. ^^ Hopefully I'll see you all again soon!*


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